Euphemistic & Semantic Coercion: It's Strangulation "Not Choking"

CALL IT BY IT’S NAME

A few years back I noticed how strangulation was becoming normalized amongst lesbian women. I would see photos on social media of lesbian couples wrapping their hands around their girlfriend's throats. I would immediately feel my body tense and cringe because for me strangulation was something disturbing. Despite my then regular participation in trauma re-enactment that I labeled BDSM/Kink, I drew a hard line at anything that affected my ability to breathe.

Then one day while having sex with my then-girlfriend, she suddenly put her hands on my throat. I jerked back and said “never do that to me.” I was completely triggered but I dissociated fully and continued having sex. She didn’t notice or care. Later on she brought it up, calling the act “choking.” I ignored my gut and started using her words. She belittled my reaction and was trying to tell me “choking” is commonplace, fun, and turned her on. I felt pressured to list several reasons to justify why I didn't consent. She rolled her eyes and didn't care what I had to say. I wasn't strong enough to stand up for myself and just brushed her words under the rug. She continued to treat me poorly, ignoring my boundaries, and spewing misogynistic ideology to justify her desire to subjugate me. With time I finally began to see how she internalized male supremacist thinking to feel power and control in her life. She constantly pushed her ideology of gender roles onto me.

I eventually got out of the relationship after working hard in therapy to build up my self-worth and strengthen my boundaries. It was after that experience that I vowed I would break myself from using the euphemism "choking" when what I meant was strangulation. It's scary how insidious language coercion is. When enough people say the wrong word(s), it can co-opt your speech and you find yourself participating in a collective lie.

📚 Resources to Explore:

• Criminal Justice Know How

• We Can’t Consent to This

• ”It’s Strangulation, Not Choking”*

  • *When we need multiple strangulation prevention organizations in our world, it points to a serious problem

• ”Normalisation of 'rough sex' in pop culture has led to “culturally approved script” for men who kill women”

• ”The fatal, hateful rise of choking during sex”*

  • *Notice the use of the word “choking” repeatedly in this article, even though they are advocating against strangulation, they continually use incorrect language. It’s clear that socialization and algorithms play a part in their word choice.

• ”Controlling the narrative: Euphemistic language affects judgments of actions while avoiding perceptions of dishonesty”